I Got In

They are going to ask where I was.
They are going to wonder why I was not listening.
Why I was not interested.
They are going to remember me
saying, “Daddies don’t play with dolls.
That Daddies only play monster.”

You are going to remember my eyes clouded over.
Searching.
Seeking something not there in front of us.
You are going to remember all the times you repeated yourself.
How often you wanted someone to talk to.
How alone you felt.

I want you to remember me trying to solve problems that were unsolvable.
I want you to remember me trying hard to put myself out there for causes I believe in.
For equality.
For the environment.
For peace.

I want you to remember me trying to be an example for our children to follow.
Through the food I ate.
Through the transportation I took.
Through the words I chose to write.

In the end I will disappear without fear.
Merged with the technology I did seed.
Into the digital grid, knee deep.
All my love and wonder downloaded into a database for you to keep.
A memento of the time we had together.
A guidebook for our children.

I tried to think of the world’s problems as stanzas.
I tried to think of global solutions through prose.
A photo or song merged with words to grow.
To save a moment in time for our children to grasp.
For them to have something to remember, to last.
So that they might think of the future, not the past.

Maybe when that time comes
You can look into your heart and forgive me.
Try and understand that I was searching for you and for them.
That the problems I tried solving will hopefully one day end.
That men will be able to stop their seeking and begin
To live in the moment, when children really need them.