Toxins in the food. In the water. In the air. Genes modified to adapt to this fair. Born in to me a mental exhaustion. Creating in me a major depression. I have had it for years. And all the thoughts that go with it. On the rollercoaster of life I ride. A continuous dwelling machine I hide. Circular thinking in me expands. As another negative thought train begins. What have I done? Is there enough time? Enough rising suns? Will I accomplish what I have begun?
With the clock ticking my pills kick in. My mood balances and lets me in. I am aware. I can now smile. I have done enough. My life feels complete with this chemical relief. I have made enough art for several lives. Written enough for several wives. And really who reads them anyhow? For I am here now. I am in this moment with you.
With our fixer upper home. Carpet to replace and walls to paint too. A home to make ours for heaven’s sake. A new life. The American dream despite all the things I’ve done. It has landed in our lap and a new life has begun. I think about depression and where it did go. It is my dark rider and shadows me. It is there somewhere I always know.
Sometimes I miss the voices it injects into my thinking. The restlessness it makes me feel between blinking. The deep questioning of myself and this world. I do all this still but just for a moment. No more spells cast putting me in a trance. Destructive casualties of a man filled with hate. Hate for the love that I feel. Making me believe that an artist can not be positive and still.
In the moment, now not being held. The dark passenger can wait outside as we build our lives. As our home gets painted and the floors are redone. I’ll continue to take my pills and balance my ride. No more rollercoaster, that I so despise.