Sh$t Talk and the Newb-Tube Controversy

Posted by on Jan 23, 2010 in Akbar Lightning, Survival, TheMachine

The following is an email exchange concerning the prior night’s game winning point, in Modern Warfare 2.

Cardnal Serilius

remember the other night when i got 9 assists, that was almost as awesome as that wicked winning kill last night with the newb-tube, blowing up that big tank and splattering Saith all over the side of the building…

Saith

I’m about to look at this link, so I can’t comment on it. What I can comment on is this ridiculous notion that having the final (or, so to speak, the “statistically last”) kill of a game with a noob-tube, and calling said kill “wicked,” is almost oxymoronic. One is attributing the point scored as being the result of implemented skill. Fighting against someone with a noob-tube is analogous to fighting a sentry gun with a throwing knife.

Cardnal Serilius

first of all, it’s spelled ‘newb-tube’ the prefix derived from the latin word ‘newbie’ which means man standing next to gas tank, and secondly, whereas the crudeness of a gun merely requires the shooter to aim at one’s target using a straight line to project the imagined effect, the glorious newb-tube asks its user to calculate an arc in mid-action, while taking into consideration the necessity of a properly triggered landing. the hatred of the newb-tube, i propose, comes from an unwillingness to engage in the level of training that allows it to be so skillfully, and dare i say, artfully engaged.

Saith

It needs to be said that a) Saith was not the final kill; he was a casualty of the final kill; b) the “newb” tube attack that ended the game was not the product of noteworthy skill or precision guidance, it was a blunt and forceful attempt at killing whoever it was that got killed, and, as such, did not actually strike it’s intended target but, instead, in typical nüb-toob fashion, wrecked deleterious collateral damage in a failed attempt at striking its quarry, and it was this collateral carnage (the blowing up of the gas tank) that caused the game-ending death. To say that one elicits skill in wielding a nyub-tüb, is akin to declaring that one can perform a competent apendectomy wielding only a baseball bat.

Cardnal Serilius

your sophistry doth amuse mine ears, tis sad but true that such brutality accompanies this instrument of war, however one must never forget that fateful night when that fair cardnal achieved his most glorious accolade, made more so by the foul temper of thy server, whisking him and his newb-tube prematurely away from the field of conflict, whence he had midway aided 9 of his fellow countrymen, of whom some were named dennis, with the assistance that such deleterious collateral damage makes possible. let us not allow our mind to wander so senselessly as to presume that given a baseball bat, that such a feat as would please Hippocrates himself, could not be performed by that knight named Serilius!

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7 Comments

  1. globatron
    January 23, 2010

    This is a whole new world I am not aware of. Did Shakespeare himself write it? Was this written from memory or is this fiction?

    I’m also interested in who the characters are or would you like them to remain anonymous. Does this type of dialogue happen often when talking about a game whose goal is murder? Actually what is the goal of the game as I am unaware.

    Reply
  2. Akbar Lightning
    January 23, 2010

    ok, the cardnal character is your truly…in that world i am known as cardnalserilius…and the competition gets very heated. the weaponry is so complex that there is a lot of discussion about them, and whether or not certain weapons are ‘fair’ or ‘pure’, it goes on and on. there are certain players who believe in the purity of just using your guns alone…and there are others who like the variety of weapons, like the claymore mines and the newb-tubes, which are very hard to fight against. i’m one of those who like to use all the possible choices, and Saith, who is a friend of mine, he is more of a purist…so, being rather verbose people, we just got into this discussion and i thought everybody would find it funny….

    Reply
  3. globatron
    January 23, 2010

    I enjoyed it. I’d love to read more of them. Thanks for the skinny. Amazing the politics of everything. Even video games that are based on the theme of killing have dialogues about ethics. You would think there would be more of that in the art world too but as we have found those discussions are far and few between.

    If the only place to have discussions about this is in a virtual world playing team warfare then maybe I need to buy in.

    Reply
  4. Center'd in JAX
    January 23, 2010

    News: Globatron: Sh$t Talk and the Newb-Tube Controversy http://bit.ly/7uuKxn #jacksonville

  5. Saith
    January 23, 2010

    It incenses me to think that the author of this post is massaging his ego in public by touting his self-declared skill at a first-person-shooter game, because in doing so he is like a four-year-old who has learned to tie his shoe-laces; the attention sought by an adult for such a dubious achievement is wholly unwarranted. (Wow. Good boy. You’ve tied your shoe laces… Big frikkin’ deal). In a game that is ostensibly about, wits, strategy, and a considerable amount of forethought regarding weapons-choices (a player is limited in this regard, so to choose well is the difference between virtual life and virtual death), Akbar’s thug-like monkeying the system with a weapon that was designed primarily for those new to such games (in an effort to give them some initial sense of power and progress — but its blunt, and heavy-handed appeal was also meant to rapidly pall as the player begins to understand the subtleties of using finer and far more rewarding weaponry) is analogous to this week’s Supreme Court decision that allows corporations and unions unfettered freedom to fund candidate of their choice, thus effectively nullifying the individual’s vote, and the individual’s sense of contributing to political processes by means of personally funding, in however meager the measure, their own preferred candidate. Or, not to put too fine a point on it, you can arguably say you’ve won a poker game if you shoot your opponents in the face and make off with the cash. But have you, in effect, really PLAYED the game? I think not: Akbar is not playing, he’s just blowing shit up; not so much is he un-leveling the playing field as destroying the playing field in its entirety. This modus operandi is definitely “in the air,” as our Supreme Court has newb-toobed our democracy. Final kill. Game over.

    Reply
  6. Akbar Lightning
    January 23, 2010

    well played Saith, well played…i count as one of my most cherished blessings the company that I have somehow managed to keep…your ability to tie our newb-tube discussion to campaign finance reform is the greatest argument you have made for playing the game in subtler ways.

    however, anybody who knows me, knows that i will continue in my clumsy way to keep blowing up the playing field, because i am very attracted to eh chaos…

    speaking of chaos, i saw a very exciting movie last night called Visioneers, a satire, where they pronounced the ‘ch’ in chaos, as one would in the word charlie…it’s a really good movie actually, and really captures the 21st century ethos, one dominated by the ‘corporate’, one i find it necessary to ameliorate by my strict adherence to my newb-tube.

    so Saith, you keep staring down that scope (i admit you have become a formidable enemy), and i’ll keep working on my explosive curves, like beyonce…

    akbar

    Reply
  7. Saith
    January 23, 2010

    That’s right. So long as we keep drinking the kool-aid of complacency, we won’t even know or care when we’re newb-toobed. I’m still gonna keep fighting back with my medium-range, light-action machine gun and the occasional lob of a stun grenade.

    Reply

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